Saturday, December 13, 2008

I let go!

It was a nightmare! I wanted with all my heart for the church to be true; I tried everything I could within the limits that are recommended by the LDS Church leaders to bring back the testimony that I thought was always going to be mine. I was not disobedient; I was not mentally ill; I was faced with a dilemma regarding the truth.

When I allowed the missionaries to teach me back in 1967, I was impressed with their love for the gospel and integrity to their beliefs. They were so convincing, young and sweet; really, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. My own sons, who were barely more than babies at the time I joined the church, later served missions to Japan and England. I know that they went with full purpose of heart to teach people exactly what I had taught them and what they had learned through all their years growing up in the church. They believed it and wanted to share it with others. I want to make it quite clear as I post on this site, that I in no way hold the missionaries responsible for teaching what turned out to be a huge pile of lies. The people that I do hold responsible are the leaders of the organization from Joseph Smith down to the present day. Those who have been mind controlled to believe everything that they are taught from birth are not responsible for believing the wonderful dream.

We are all responsible however for what we do with the information that comes our way. We all have the right to dissect information and form our own opinions. This is what we do with any information that we encounter throughout our lives and it is not only acceptable, but very wise. Unfortunately, when it involves religion, there are so many taboos placed upon our dissection methods. The acceptable ones; answers that come through prayer or scripture study, the 'promptings that seem to come to many in the temple, keeping ourselves free of sin so that we are worthy vessels to receive promptings from the Holy Ghost and failing that, going for help to the bishop or others 'in authority' over us, just don't seem to help for many of us; hence the dilemma. What do you do when all of those efforts have failed? Many continue on though they have lost their belief; they believe that they can put on a front and they do until it wears away at their integrity and peace of mind. It eats at you and like a new cancer patient you frantically search for a cure. The cure is within you but you know or at least think you know how painful this will be for you and those that you may have born testimony to for many years; especially any children that you love or a spouse as in my case. You know that they will look upon you as an unfaithful person; one who could not endure to the end. They will think that Satan has his hooks into you most likely because you have sinned in some way. In fact in their eyes we sin the moment we look at pro-truth literature. I refuse to call it anti-Mormon because that is not what most people read unless you want to label the Doctrine and Covenants, The Book of Mormon, FARMS and FAIR articles and The Journal of Discourses as anti-Mormon literature. This is where faithful Mormons go for their information usually; though the latter has been largely ignored except for the favorable sermons that are still published in LDS lesson manuals. It is a shock to see these writings in a new light - frightening as you feel your faith wavering.

I felt the pre-shocks in South Africa on our mission and will post more about those in the future, but for now I just want to say that once a person's faith has been shaken so badly that they go in search of the cure and the answers, they will find them. If they finally decide that they can no longer keep up the charade and leave the church, they may go through more hell than any that Christians may describe as the just desserts of a sinful life.

I did let go 2 years ago; at least I thought I had, yet when I attended my very first Exmormon Foundation Conference in Oct 2008, I finally let go of the beautiful dream in a flood of tears during one speaker's presentation. Letting go means turning the corner and that is just what I needed to do. The cure is validation. Just as Mormons and other religious groups like to gather together for strength and enjoyment of one another's company, so do ex-Mormons. I have not felt so validated and loved since I was love-bombed into the church all those years ago.


  1. I look forward to reading more....thank you for sharing.

  2. Jean,
    I appreciated your comments on my nascent blog and thought I would return the favor.

    I agree completely on so many points: the "acceptable" avenues through which to pursue truth, the cancer of repressed disbelief (a.k.a rational thought), the ignorance of Mormons re: JS, BofM, BofA, FARMS, FAIR, Journal of Discourses, etc., the "Satan goggles" through which apostates are viewed, the hell of leaving, and the incomparable validation of finding others who feel much the same.

    In regards to why I am not open in my community or with my family, it is the price that I have had to pay to keep my marriage intact. I appreciate your advice re: "to thine own self be true," but my situation is complicated by my particular personality flaws. Rather than go on at length here, I think I'll work on a follow-up post. Thanks again for the contact and look forward to reading more of your perspective.

  3. ((hugs)) Life is not over yet, I was impressed by an expression one time about a play ... there is the beginning, the middle and the end. The middle is where all the action is and can seem quite dramatic, but we can't judge the play by only seeing it half way through and so it is with our life.

    I am like you, pretty much devastated, shocked and been sobbing my heart out, but God is there, the Holy Ghost is there and for whatever reason, we lived that life and we have learnt and experienced and I believe that there is a purpose.

    I have been a member since 1985, it was my joy but the discerning spirit kept indicating things differently to me than what the church was teaching, and knowing what the holy ghost felt like ... something was up!

    I have been blessed though, and it has been a torture letting go, but I need to trust in the Holy Ghost and not think I only exist to be dominated by pharasies.

    I have met some of the most beautiful hearted people with the LDS faith, they have really been a life line for me .... or were until I began reading the journal of discourses and researching out of my love for truth, so I have friends but am like someone to be pitied that I have 'lost faith' but I have not lost faith, i have gained so much, i am alive now in a sense that truth has been revealed! I can make sense of all the contradictions now, I can make sense of why some things just didn't sit right.

    I gained a testimony of Joseph Smith, powerful and strong and also of the Book of Mormon.

    I am so glad that I knelt in prayer to take my concerns to God instead of believing the lies about Joseph Smith.

    The revelation I received was this :-

    Joseph Smith had but one wife
    Brigham Young was an evil man
    The Temple ordinances were changed by Brigham Young,
    D&C 132 was a fabrication by Brigham Young
    Polygamy is not of God
    The OT does not condone polygamy! Abram was not commanded of God to take more wives than Sarah, in fact he was commanded to be perfect after which his name was changed to Abraham and he only had relations with Sarah until her death

    Etc Etc

    I had a massive dawning upon me when I considered the deaths of Hyrum and Joseph ....
    they were not murdered by strangers in a mob! Willard Richards and John Taylor were not innocent neither Brigham Young! Noone has examined what went on, but the stories dont add up .... we are told joseph and hyrum had guns yet it was them that was shot, whilst Willard and John Taylor got away with their lives. Willard Richards being the cousin of Brigham Young and who became counsellor to him, and John Taylor becoming the next president after Brigham.

    My eyes have been opened and instead of giving up on religion, there is a battle still to be won! There is still a gathering needed to welcome Jesus Christ at his return and those who follow the Holy Ghost will be guided and blessed.

    Although we have had a shock to the system about the hijacking of the church, the gospel is still real, but it is inside of us... we can pray for help, we can ask for miracles, we can be as if we were given priesthood blessings, we dont need to be missing out ... we have the power within us. We dont need acceptance by others, just acceptance of God, and acceptance of ourselves. We have been made to lose faith in ourselves but that is where our strength lies! Believe in you. Christ lives, and the gospel is true. Did you ever read True Saints Herald? Read it, it is so uplifting! Did you ever read the History of the Church by Heman C Smith And Joseph Smith III? The gospel still carried on, it is out there in the hearts of true followers of Christ. xxxx